life as i live right NOW/today;

This, demon.

My anxiety is rising & I’m squeezing a fist so tight, I can feel my nails digging in the palm of my hands most likely leaving a print.

At this point I feel like breaking things, yelling at someone I love just to make them feel as bad as I do, & by doing so releasing all this unknown from inside of me, This, demon. Although I wont, I can’t help but to imagine it. I hate whatever this is, this thing we call “anxiety”. 

because she is one-of-a-kind

Almost two months ago, my mom became very ill around a time she & I had a big argument over something pretty ridiculous. My family would constantly nag me to call her “she’s really sick” they would say. I didn’t think much of it because my mom is sometimes over the top dramatic. When I finally got the nerve to give her a call, to me she sounded fine. Not 100% but OK. Long story short, my mom was admitted into the hospital a few days later with pneumonia. She could barely breathe & had not much strength to walk alone. Finally, she got well enough to be discharged a few days before Thanksgiving, but soon enough right around Christmas she was back in the hospital again with the same symptoms then also discharged a few days before. By now she also had bronchitis. On her recent appointment the nurse checked her temperature & it was 102. They were intending to leave her over night, but gave her an iv with fluids instead & she immediately felt better. Yesterday evening she wasn’t feeling well & now had another fever of 102 again. Now she is back in the hospital for the 3rd time in the short period of two months.

My mother, who is only 40 years young was diagnosed with *Myeloma early last year. It wasn’t a huge devastation to our family because it is something that can be controlled with medication (Chemotherapy drugs) but this is very overwhelming for me & for all of us in the family that’s for sure. I’m very sadden by all of this because to imagine the possibility that I can lose my mom at any given moment over this, not that she is dying, but the thought of knowing she is sick, frequently getting sick & in the hospital as often as she is, sickens me down to the core. With all the highs & all the lows she is my best friend, the only woman I have ever loved (besides my grandmother of course!). I don’t know how some of you who have lost their mother because she is one-of-a-kind deal with the grief & for that I commend all of you out there.

With all that being said, my mom obviously can’t work, right? She was recently denied SSI (Supplemental Security Income)/Disability. Like how is that even possible? Fucking assholes. She asked for a hearing that would take about 20 weeks up to a year for them to look into. I feel so guilty, as if it were my fault. Things like this makes me reevaluate working at the moment, but then again there will be no way for me to provide. Please pray, or wish my mom luck for all (health & SSI case) & thank you for reading.

There are these tears I want to cry, but they just won’t roll down my face.

*Myeloma is a type of blood cancer that specifically targets your plasma cells. Plasma cells are white blood cells that produce disease- and infection-fighting antibodies in your body. Myeloma cells prevent the normal production of antibodies, leaving your body’s immune system weakened and susceptible to infection.

The Truth is:

I hate people (due to certain circumstances)

I hate my body

I hate that I am weak

I hate that I failed

I hate the current economy/recession

I hate being misunderstood

I hate having to repeat myself more than twice

I hate being alone, a prisoner in my mind

I hate being insecure

I hate feeling ugly

I hate not having real friends

I hate missing deceased family

I hate my hair

I hate my skin (texture not color)

I hate not being happy

I hate my life.

I hate having so many things I hate. But, the truth is no matter how much good there is in my life I will never accept the way things have changed for me/in my life. I’m only trying to express how much I dislike something. Random thought, not really trying to grief here.

tumblrbot asked: WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE INANIMATE OBJECT?

My pillow; It’s nice & cold, ready for me to get home & rest my head.

I have followers?

I just realized I actually have my first two followers. Thank you:

Ufo Cotton Candy

http://lukevoice.com/

- for your interest in my uninteresting’ness. I am flattered.

tumblrbot asked: WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO VISIT ON YOUR PLANET?

I would like to visit a list of places on my planet actually: Walt Disney World®, Sea World, Universal Studios; The Wizarding World of Harry Potter™, China, Japan, Paris, Europe, Africa, Jamaica… - & more.